How to Get a DUI

Over the years, I’ve known many people who have gotten DUI’s. Not one of them thought they were drunk enough to get one, which is scary, because that’s what I think every time I drive home from a night of drinking and dancing.
Granted, I usually stop at two glasses of wine. And I drink them early in the night so that they will wear off by the time I need to go home. But sometimes someone buys you a drink, and then you have to buy them one back, so you think, as long as I’m buying, I might as well have one more, and now you’ve had three.
You drive home extra carefully because these are not familiar roads, and you don’t want to do any of the following things that have earned my friends and acquaintances a DUI:
1. Drive up onto the curb.
2. Drive onto the shoulder of the highway.
3. Drive too fast.
4. Drive too slow.
5. Bump a redwood sign in a state park.
Did you know that park rangers can arrest people and give out DUI’s? Now you do.
The DUI earners’ excuses are as follows:
1. I was wine-tasting all afternoon.
2. I hadn’t had anything to eat.
3. I was on my phone.
4. I needed to get home fast.
5. I didn’t know how much the alcohol had affected my judgment.
Exactly!
DUI’s are expensive, especially if you fight the charges. Sometimes you have to put up a bond with the DMV before you can get your license back. That’s right, you lose your license for thirty days. You earn a point against your license with the DMV. You have to take a class. You might have to spend a night in jail if no one can come get you. You call a friend to come get you, and they might not pick up because you don’t have your phone and they don’t recognize the number.
When you do get out, you have to get your car. The impound lot charges you hundreds of dollars to get it back.
DUI’s are embarrassing. You get handcuffed and arrested. You get taken to a place to sleep it off. The class you have to take is filled with people you would not normally associate with. The Fortune 500 CEO is sitting next to the tattooed gang banger. You are all treated the same. If you are late, they won’t let you in the door. Then the class won’t count, and you have to start over with another eight-week session.
You don’t know when your license will be taken away. You stew about it until it happens. Then you have to take the bus, cabs, and uber.
Every time someone I know gets a DUI, I say a little prayer. It could have been me. It’s a good reminder to not drink and drive. It’s better to stick around a while and sober up, or go with a designated driver.
Eat a snack and drink cold tea on the drive home. That’s what I do. I put those things into my car as I prepare for my night out.
If the band starts at 9:00 and plays till midnight, I have to be done with my second drink by 10:30. If there is a third drink, then all bets are off.
I dance as much as I can, which works the alcohol through the system quicker. Maybe not, but that is my unproven theory. My buzz is gone by the time the band is done.
Drunk people make poor decisions, like saying yes to guys they don’t really want to date and like getting behind the wheel of their car.
I guess I need to pay more attention to how much my friends are drinking. I don’t like those phone calls in the middle of the night. After all, I was having a good dream, and my legs needed their eight hours sleep after a night of rocking out.
Don’t drink and drive.
Don’t let friends drink and drive.
They have a DUI on their record now. You’re glad that’s all.
It could’ve turned out much worse.

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