Porch Pirates, Poinsettias and Peaches


The joke going around on social media is that if you want to get rid of your junk, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on your porch.

It’s not that funny around my neighborhood. Porch pirates are everywhere this time of year. Neighbors are sure to tell each other when they will be out of town, so that they can get assistance with mail and packages.

Three years ago (right before I got my pit bull lab puppy), my neighbors across the street went away for Thanksgiving weekend. That Saturday morning at 7:00 a.m. two guys were emerging from the neighbors’ back yard when another neighbor confronted them.

“Can I help you?” neighbor Tom asked when returning from walking his dogs.

“We were just washing our hands,” the two guys said before they got into their panel truck and drove away.

Neighbor Tom called the police and described the vehicle. The police stopped the panel truck and noticed a newspaper-delivery-vacation-hold list on the dashboard.  Neighbor Tom told all of us, and a month later I had a puppy!

That same month the neighbors at the top of our court (on the main drag) had their front door kicked in on a Tuesday while the owners were at work.

Another reason to have a loud barking dog. Now that she’s four, she is the barking queen of the court.

I stopped by Home Depot today to buy some kitchen appliances on sale for my upcoming kitchen remodel, and lo and behold, there were poinsettias in the screwdriver aisle.  Poinsettias are poisonous and dangerous for pets or small children, but I picked up one for my sister’s room at her board and care home.

I stopped by my house first to eat a bowl of turkey soup and to feed the dogs. I grabbed the jar of peaches I’d set out for Sis and also got the leftover (unopened) mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving.

I showed up in time for Ellen’s 12 Days of Christmas on ABC to watch with Sis. My poinsettia, peaches and potatoes were a big hit with the caregivers. The diabetic dude thanked me for the sports section of our local paper, and Sis liked the red flowers on top of the college-sized refrigerator I borrowed from my long-graduated son to keep the Ensure cold.

I got home and found a package on my doorstep — no pirates today.

Maybe Pepper in the house scared them off with her deep pit bull-lab bark.

Or maybe it was the torrential rain today that kept the pirates at bay.

Either way, score one for the neighborhood, and zero for the holiday thieves.