How Rustic Is It?

I have an old house two blocks from the Pacific Ocean in Monterey County. It’s a long story, but let’s just say that I had a really good divorce lawyer. At any rate, I rent it to friends only, not friends of friends.
Here’s why:
“What do you mean you have no WIFI?”
“There is a dog bowl in the kitchen!”
“We had to make our own beds!”
“Your neighbors hoard a lot of garbage!”
“You don’t have ESPN or HBO!”
“It was hard backing down your long driveway!”
“There are dead bugs under your furniture!”
“Your laundry room is locked!”
“You are out of coffee!”
A few of my friends are regular guests. They don’t mind any of the above, especially since I hardly charge anything, and it’s two blocks from the ocean. Many renters have told their relatives that they should rent my house. But I’ve learned my lesson. With the exception of one friend’s out-of-state daughter who leaves me bottles of wine after a visit, I only rent to people who know me.
I’ve tried it before, and it doesn’t work. Here’s why:
They want to come get the key out of the lock box and then not stay the night and then come back the next night with a friend and think they shouldn’t have to pay for the first night (maybe she met the ghost).
They want chocolates on their pillows.
They want freshly laundered bathrobes and free coffee and free WIFI and free HBO.
They expect my house to be like a hotel.
They want photos of the place before they commit to $35.00 per person per night.
I know, right? Nowhere else on the Monterey peninsula could they get 1750 square feet of accommodations for that cheap of a price?
I don’t want complainers. I also don’t want people who(all these thing have happened):
Bring their pets.
Leave clogged toilets.
Break my stuff.
Take my linens home with them to wash.
Leave wet things so they cannot dry out.
Leave their garbage.
Criticize my decorating, house cleaning, neighbors’ mess, lack of WIFI, lack of channels, lack of coffee.
Bring your own flipping coffee! And no, I am not going to hire a professional cleaning service. If I did, you’d have to pay triple the amount that I charge you now.
So decide if you can stand it the way it is or if you want a regular hotel room with all the amenities. It will cost you a bundle, plus you will have to pay to park your car.
Or stay in my old beach house for a song. Park for free next to the garage down my long shared driveway.
If you sit at the end of the couch closest to the window, you can get emails on your smart phone. . .
. . . at Casa Susan, where the dead bugs are always complimentary.

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