False Alarm


Donnie was a firefighter and had a date with Lisa from Match.com. The date was just okay, but he knew there were only two kinds of women, those he would sleep with and those he wouldn’t. Lisa was in the first category.
According to Donnie, men never had a wait-and-see attitude about a woman. Women could be interested in a guy but not be sure, as in, “Well, he doesn’t swing dance, but he does like live music, so maybe .. .”
Or “well, he doesn’t like classical music, but he likes to go to plays . . .”
Or “well, he’s not a foodie, but he does like a good bottle of wine . . .”
Donnie would say, “If it’s category # 1, it’s a go!”
After the date, Donnie walked Lisa to her apartment door. It was down a long pathway and then two flights up. He gave her a first-date-good-night kiss at the door. She kissed him back, and he left, thinking, wait till date # 3 to make my big move.
Donnie was all the way down the stairs and up the pathway to his car when Lisa called from her doorway.
“Hey, Donnie, come here,” she said.
Maybe she doesn’t want to wait until date # 3.
Donnie went back down the pathway and up the two flights of stairs to her door.
‘Yah?” he asked when he got to where she was waiting.
“Nothing, “Lisa said. “I just wanted to see if you’d do it.”
She laughed, said good night, and closed the door.
Donnie went home and called her (before cell phones and before WTF was a thing). She picked up.
“You are the worse date I’ve ever had!” he said, slamming down the receiver.

What happened? Why did she do that? One will never know. But one can imagine . . .

Couldda Wouldda Shouldda
If Donnie would’ve given Lisa a second chance, she would’ve proved to be a card-carrying feminist (aren’t we all, really?). She had disliked some of the suggestive comments he’d made on the first date. Once Donnie learned what was okay to say and what was just okay to think, the two of them would have gotten along much better.

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