Who Has the Bigger Butt

The family dog passed away last month at the age of eighteen and three quarters years’ old.  My youngest asked for pictures of him, so I went through a dozen albums last night sorting photos. It was time for a clean-out of:

  1. Babies if I don’t know who they are.
  2. Sports coaches I don’t remember.
  3. The ex and the mother-in-law (sorted and saved for my kids)
  4. Anything random that no longer deserves space in my life.
  5. Things that don’t spark joy.

I ended up with a stack of Wienie photos, one that brought back not so happy memories. My ex, who was never one for compliments, announced one day long ago, in front of our three kids and his visiting mother, that my butt was bigger than his butt.

This is wrong on so many levels. Guys, you can think a thought like that, but it should never pass your lips. And then if you are going to say it out loud (not recommended), don’t do it in front of an audience. Especially your wife’s mother-in-law.

But alas, the memory sums up my existence in that doomed marriage.

I was the laundry queen of the household. I knew exactly who had the bigger butt. So I bet him (my at-the-time husband). I don’t know what we bet, but it was probably dinner or take–out, or maybe twenty bucks.

“I can put on your jeans and still have enough room left over to fit the dog in there with me,” I said.

The dog was a miniature Dachshund, about eleven pounds, and I wasn’t sure he would fit, but I knew my waist was several inches smaller than my ex’s waist. I knew his jean size was 34 -34.

Comparatively speaking, women’s butts might look larger because of our smaller waists. We are curvy; men are straight up and down.

“You’re on,” my ex said while his mother laughed uncomfortably.

I went to the laundry room, took a clean folded pair of his jeans off the pile that he had not taken upstairs yet and put away, and I put them on. Then I came back into the kitchen and picked up the dog.

Then I got my camera, handed it to a child and said, “Take my picture.”

Then I stuffed Wienie down my (his) pants.

  1. My ex never accused me of having a bigger butt than he did ever again.
  2. Wiener looked at me funny for the rest of the day.
  3. My kids had a good laugh, but they weren’t sure why their dad wasn’t smiling anymore.
  4. I had stooped to his level. I did that a lot for the endurance of the marriage.

Wienie in doggie heaven, I apologize for that day.

If only someone would have only apologized to me.

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