Date with a Conspiracy Theorist

Charlie met Christine, a pretty blonde, on Our Time. They talked on the phone and decided to meet on a Friday afternoon at Oasis in downtown Pleasanton. After all, her profile said she lived in Pleasanton.

“I live in Mountain House now,” Christine said.

Charlie felt that she had misrepresented herself. Mountain House was another 24 miles down the road. But she was so pretty. He decided to let it go.

At Oasis, they met and sat down for a drink. Five minutes into the conversation, Christine mentioned that Queen Elizabeth was a reptilian alien.

With.  A. Straight. Face.

Charlie chugged his wine after that. Christine let her glass sit there as she lectured him on the chem trails in the sky, put there by the government for mind control over the masses.

“Oh, really?” Charlie said.


Christine droned on about how our astronauts never really landed on the moon. It was hoax filmed on a Hollywood set with much secrecy.

Charlie thought about slipping out the kitchen’s back door or maybe making the woman a tin foil hat so the aliens couldn’t find her. Or so they could find her and beam her up.

“Did I mention I carry a gun with me in my purse?” Christine asked.

“Do you have a permit for it?”

“No,” Christine said. “The government doesn’t need to know.”

Charlie began tapping his foot. Christine still wasn’t drinking her wine.  He decided he’d better grab onto the conversation stick and hold it for a while so that she could drink, and he could get out of there.

“I like to sing,” Charlie said, “and paint and cook.”

“There are so many chemicals in our food now,” Christine said. “The government is trying to make us all sick.”

Charlie tried again, talking about his organic vegan cooking style as he kept an eye on Christine’s glass. She finally drank the last of her wine.

“Shall we have dinner?” Christine asked.

“No,” said Charlie. “I mean, I’ve enjoyed hearing you talk, but I don’t believe any of what you are saying.”


“We are not a match,” Charlie said, waving to the waiter for the bill.

Couldda Wouldda Shouldda

Charlie should’ve pressed Christine about the reptilian alien in Windsor Castle. It might’ve made good fodder for his novel that he now needs to write about dating in the 21st century.




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