(re-run)
I went to the dermatologist yesterday and noticed a magazine with Mariah Carey on the cover. Then I realized that we’re not so different, Mariah Carey and me. She wears her jeans unbuttoned in a sexy way. I wear mine that way, too, because I can’t button them anymore, because of my eating too much. She’s on the cover of magazines. I was just on the front page of the local section of the East Bay Times — at least the back of my head was, because the photographer liked my red hat.
She’s 52. I am older, but only by a decade and a half. She has a Christmas song that has been on the charts for 28 years (she recorded it when she was 24). I was also 24 once. I was also 28.
She loves to sing. I love to sing. She has a four-octave range (that means she can sing really high high notes and super low low notes). I have a two-octave range on a good Tuesday. On a bad Tuesday, I don’t. Two plus two is four. See?
She is an international star. I am a star in the East Bay Times. Three people recognized the back of my head and saved the clippings for me.
Mariah has long beautiful hair and a bright smile. I have hair, and I know how to smile. She longs for someone at Christmas. I long to be with family and also for those who can’t be here will give me a Zoom call.
Mariah was a judge on American Idol in 2013. I watched American Idol in 2013. I’ve watched American Idol since the days of Carrie Underwood. Don’t get me started on how Carrie and I are alike – blond, tall, mothers. Oops, I just Googled her height. She’s only 5 feet, three inches. I’m five feet, nine inches, but still pretty close, just half a foot. I wear size 10 shoes. She wears size 8, only two away. And there are two of us, Carrie and me. Enough said.
Back to Mariah. She has a breathy speaking voice. I also have a speaking voice. Mariah is super sexy. I used to check out groceries at Super Value when I was in high school. I bet Mariah also went to high school.
Mariah wears fancy clothes and goes to fancy places. I wear clothes and go to places. She’s American. I’m American. She’s a female. I’m a female. Really, we are so much alike, it is uncanny.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ve made my point. Twinsies, Mariah and me. You know you were thinking that; don’t try to hide it.
She probably goes to a dermatologist, just like I do. I wonder if a copy of the East Bay Times is in the waiting room when she goes to her appointment.
I’ll bet Mariah has a red hat, just like mine.
FIRST DATE, WORST DATE EVER! 